Wanting to be dead honest with this blog, about my life and inner thoughts and feelings, a couple of months down the line I feel somehow you are not getting my most honest thoughts and struggles and live descriptions, and why is that?
Here are a couple of factors that hamper me to be totally honest and asks for a different mental approach.
- First: The privacy of my kids and family. Now I feel I am very open person (at least I’ve learned to be. Anyway I still get people saying I’m hardly open, but than; ‘ hey who isn’t??) And have a streak of exhibitionism – hence this blog! – but my family has a very private nature. So what I share about them or would like to share about them isn’t always, almost never, appreciated. They appreciate my efforts and the blog but do not appreciate being an integral part of it. So let me resolve to find ways to talk about: Bringing up kids as a Buddhist. Solving matters inside my marriage with the knowledge I have so far. How to deal with family who reflect your inner state at all times and write about it.
- Second: My very own insecurities about what I can share about my life is my very own censor…..Now I know I do show you how I feel but i’d like to talk more about the inner most demons and thought, wishes and dreams – I want to give them the spotlight from time to time and let them tell their own story. Like an unfolding of fear, lust, greed, jealousy, pain, attachment but also delight, dreams & other joys of the mind.The normality of them and the formidability of how they manipulate & deceive us even though they appear as our friends. I do write about it sometimes but mostly in retrospect… It’s even been my Guru’s complaint of me since long that I am not open enough & just sharing alone would help me as the true nature of my inner space would be seen and experienced much more easily If I would out these inner minds.
- Third: ‘Comparison’ is my greatest Enemy, always has been… but I don’t want to add the second part of the saying, “& Always will be”. No I must learn to do my own thing and not compare myself to other mums, bloggers, business owners, friends, family and not just on one point but on all points. Admiration is a great thing but if that makes me feel insecure about what I’m doing it becomes a censorship I darn well can do without. At crucial times I have made bold choices and an inner voice calls me to be fearless.However after the fact is done and dusted I start to wonder whether I’ve done the right thing. Now analysis isn’t a bad thing, but it is when it turns into fear. So I’ll be my own kind of wonderful and try not to compare myself to others……much….lol, Let’s say its a work in progress.
- Forth: not wanting to resort to ranting and frustration blog post and therefore waiting for inspiration and passion on how to write as I don’t want to rant on issues. I rather take an issue/news/anything and analyse it or myself on why it triggers me. There are lot’s of bloggers out there that rant on behalf of the injustice done to either themselves, the underdogs, the disadvantaged, the silent suffering of the world and I admire them for it, but I’m not like that.Why : well I don’t want to fuel hate or bad inner feelings in my readers, friends, family anyone by voicing my frustrations. Of course I can’t control what anyone thinks but I learned that when you do voice your frustrations it’s easy for people to chime in and agree like giving their formless feeling, form but not in a good way…rather I hope I can help others think problem solving oriented or to see things in a different light and therefore create space for someone to be and feel different, indeed to change things. Even if I am voicing my frustrations – and sometimes I might want to, I will write about it to let you know the solution I found and why. Take you on board of my, sometimes, odd perspective. I’m a type of person that has different views and ideas with a goal in mind believing in a circular existence of my being so the saying “what goes around comes around” becomes the guard of my mind. Making me do the things I do and think the way I think. And I need to guard my writing and thoughts not to overstep the border between useful towards harmful.
But to conclude I’ll try to be more honest and show a bit more of me. So expect a lot of TMI in a good way.
Have a great Saturday – The Unusual Yogini