As you must have understood by now, Sensuality, Sexuality and Romance are an important theme in my life. I feel and remember that even as a young child I was aware of the energy of men and women and between them and also was aware of the energy being moved within myself as well. I can’t actually think why I’m writing this blog post now or why I would share this in the first place but like with more of my writings the issues and feelings present themselves in such a way I can’t really ignore them anymore and want to share – call me an exhibitionist if you must!!
Before I let you know about the present I’ll dive back into my past. In feel actually this having gained weight, or loosing it, has lot’s to do with my own sexual self image or perception of my inner nature and power. So it has to do with coming into my own…
I have been described, in my early childhood, as forceful, overbearing, too sexual, too romantic, too pining and as I grew older indeed I could see many of these qualities present in me. Like I have written in earlier blogs, I tended to be always in love and always had a major or minor crush on someone, boys mainly, although I could also totally idolize a girl, or woman which comes close to being in love without the sexual feelings.
So I tried to compensate and be demure especially when I went to India, hiding much of my own passionate and fiery nature but of course a true connoisseur could smell me a mile away. The father of my eldest child is indeed such a man, who could see my very innocent nature but at the same time this passionate and raw and hot power. It might have told you before that it didn’t end well and I gained 10 kilo for each year I was with him – five years in total – and by the end of these 5 years my inner sparkle had completely died out. (No worries it came back).
My teacher of course was another man who knew and knows me for this exact same nature but somehow rather due to some inner obstacles of mine and some wrong decisions, maybe due to my lack of merit and blessings in seeing and trusting and following the guru I wasn’t able to let him help me transform this true power of mine into something appropriate & for the benefit of all sentient beings. Because when I was eighteen he offered to take care of me and not be worried about worldly concerns, but my fear of what might be was greater than any other fear I felt before.
This fear for…??.is the main thing.
Truly I don’t know what I’m afraid of – the big unknown??
Looking back since that day I have added, literally added weight as not to lift off, take off towards that something I feared. So much is clear to me now. The fear of my true inner nature….
When I start to loose even the littlest of weight there is a fire that starts burning inside me and knows no direction combined with my love for people put me in a state of “in love feeling” most of the time. But it also churns my desire and seemingly boundless lust. That in itself is scary, you see the last time I used to be a slim person, I was promiscuous without end and enjoyed myself maybe even too much. Of course I was very young, I have changed and am different and older and somewhat wiser but I feel ho much I associate my being slim and fit with sexuality and a boundless one at that. Somewhere I’m scared I’ll again turn out uncontrollable and wild.
There is also some circumstantial fear by loosing weight; 1) what I will look like after the whole process.. I’ve decided to let that goo and see after the whole process what can and needs to be done. 2) Will I have more hair loss; I did the last time I lost weight.. I guess the conclusion is the same though I’m seeing an internest specialised in Hormonal balance and still will see what to do as and when i cross that bridge 3) will I still be seen as that warm and welcoming person …which I think has somewhat to do with my weight and appearance. And some some convictions not serving my cause – This i’ve seen is a totally baseless fear. I am who I am and who likes me likes me and more of me can shine true when loosing weight as I have more energy and power at you service!!
Anyway right now the biggest changes are me looking at my mind when I want to turn to food for comfort instead of to just to enjoy it or sustain myself. I than ask myself what is actually lacking , what are you missing Radia?,that you want to substitute by food. And right now these questions seems al the mind needs to settle down and relax into a relaxed state.
Really this is a journey out of hiding and I’m taking my time to enjoy the ride, to savour it. No hurry, no crash diet, not denying myself everything, moving more, trying to make more conscious choices on food, life, love. Seeing my habits and hearing my mind talk to me, listening to it to understand what’s really going on and doing more practice something that in itself is more fulfilling and helping me to relax into my true nature.
In my previous blog I’ve made this weight loss an exercise in guru devotion and I’ll take these fears into the path. PRAYER – May that which I fear be offered to the Dakinis for cutting through my ego and to become free from attachment to this body and it’s pleasures to become a prefect instrument in my guru’s lineage helping his goals to be realised always benefiting others.
Do you have some thoughts you want to share on my process, call me out on my bluf, share your own process, tell me anything even if you don’t agree with me at all than please do…. LOVE
Love…Radia, The unusual yogini