Not quite sure what to write next, I have been pondering, the past is something of the past and as Buddhist, we should live in the now. Now is the past, not something to be discarded but we should be careful not to cling and to reminiscence just for reminiscence’s sake. I have been wondering I have not dwelt too much on the past. Now for the sake of the book, I do look to the past for answers and inspiration but the more I dive back the more I see the correlation between the decision and its results. I feel that the more I dive into my own past the more my present changes. It’s maybe hard to explain but the perception of why I did things, partly motivated by these men in my life and my own patterns of reaction toward them which I more and more start to see emerging from thinking and reading my own blogs back. They start serving as a useful tool to understand myself more. In a way, these blogs are healing my past regrets and pains hidden in my memories now released and brought to the surface. Memories seem like rocks in the water pressing down on memories waiting to be pushed aside release them to the surface.
Anyhow still don’t know what to write about next. I have started a great many writings still unfit to be published I found after reading them. Editing them makes no sense as they would alter the specific story so much it wouldn’t be my story anymore.
The closest story I could still write about my past would be about my deceased father..my deceased grandfather both of whim I have already written about as well. The story of the biological father of my eldest son is difficult to tell even tough 18 years ago it is also such an integral part of my son’s life and identity and I am certain these underseas rocks are still too heavy. I mean it got me a beautiful son, a great many discovered working abilities, many other great things I experienced but the darkness of that period is also still great and I notice when I start writing about it I can only do so little by little. Writing about my guru will never be complete enough or clear enough or good enough. I can do glimpses and maybe anecdotes but my need for control what you make out of it is too much and for I can’t control what you think about my writings I am unable to publish it yet.
So you see my dilemma probably….
My guru plays an immense great deal in my life and has done so since I was very young. The very idea of becoming a Buddhist with the fact that I started to follow him, not physically but started from then onward slowly depending on his guidance more and more seems in this life whenever somebody seeks freedom and independence an act of revolution in itself. Many of the people I have met in my life including the Tibetans themselves have not grasped or understood why in heavens name you would do such a thing….follow a guru and indeed at times it was and still is very trying but due to the evidence I have lived, of this path being easier for me than without a guru, I make the effort.
I have tried to explain before that the fact that I aspire a spiritual path, and a very far ahead of myself goal of becoming a Buddha which is very difficult to attain or your own or even with a guru in this time and age. It’s a long winding path but so rewarding. Writing about a guru relationship might be controversial, as in our society of following your own path and finding this out by yourself through the less exotic modern-day gurus are being hailed by the thousands. Figueres like Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, spiritual and lifestyle gurus are all the fad nowadays. We tend to forget however that many of them have gotten the instructions to their enlightenment mostly from great Asian masters and traditions like; Buddhism, Hinduism, Yoga etc. Surely they have done away with a lot of the “perceived” unnecessary cultural and ceremonial ballast to come to the essence of what frees us and made it, therefore, more digestible.
To follow your own path takes courage and that some spiritual masters including my own guru call it the path of the warrior doesn’t seem so strange anymore. To conclude I haven’t written about my present or indeed about my past but this writing (over several days) shows me I should follow through and be courageous. I’ll write about my eldest son’s father next. I try to be as honest as possible and no offend my son or indeed not offend the person in question. After all, I’ve learned a great many skills from him and learned a lot about myself in retrospect looking back at that relationship.
I have given you no real story, story today but just thoughts on how to continue which has given me the conviction of courage and how to carry on. But In two weeks time, a story about a lost girl, who left Dharamsala in a hurry and basically on her way home to the Netherlands ran into someone else’s very ready arms. So disillusioned and so hungry for some success she was that this man was able to blind her even further and swallow up her pain of having to have left L and the place she’d already come to love dearly.
Loving what you read? any ideas or feedback do so in the comments
Love and be loved… Radia – The Unusual Yogini