So I promised to write about the father of my eldest son…I had promised you it a long ago but writing this blog or part of the outline of my intended book is strenuous, to say the least. I have to deal with my own wrong choices in a whole different light. Being honest about my lust for money and power and esteem after having to have lived off 100 dollars a month, not too bad in India at that time by the way. I, as a Buddhist, have to acknowledge that my intentions and desires set the hell alight with fire for myself.
I, and I alone, am to blame for all that went wrong and also the good things I can merit myself but the hurt and shame and difficulty, lies in accepting my own responsibility and that I have no other to blame but myself.
To move away from a view where “A” is to blame, to a more healthy believe where he is a mere puppet in a theatre I directed the play myself. Life is always a play, a self-created illusion if you like but in this case, my time with him seems like a movie and I played all the parts in it except his. I antagonized a man you should maybe not antagonize. I defied his control and his elegantly controlling ways. Not maybe consciously but just being my spontaneous self which initially attracted him to me, I am sure of that!
“A” was many things, charming & controlling in subtle and sensible ways. So reasonable and strong with words it’s uncanny, it was what attracted me to him, his intelligence, his wit, charm, and extreme logic. At the end of the 5 years, I spend with him it was exactly all these traits of his character which had exhausted this very feeling and intuitive and happy go lucky girl. I was broke in more ways than one both financially and emotionally bare to the bone.
It did cost a lot of life energy and that all for not heeding my guru’s words. The only time my teacher gave me unsolicited advice directedly and with a huge warning, I did not listen. There is no use in blaming myself now as great lessons were learned from it and helped me choose a more suitable partner. “A” also gave me my eldest son, needless to say that most mothers are happy with their children even if had with a less suitable partner.
“A” and I were far from ok. Both of our reasons for wanting to be with the other were probably not intertwined with the best or clear intentions and love was not maybe involved at first. Lust, and promises of another life and the numbing of my pain for having to have left my boyfriend and the disappointment in the Tibetan community yes even in Buddhism due to the Tibetan political issues since 1995 were all huge factors. A promise of a more rich and exciting life and the sexual gratification also had me hooked, next to the charm offensive he let loose on me trying to win my heart.
“A” was the most charming person I had ever met apart from my guru. He was willing to fulfill my every desire, he was rich at the time I met him. Getting presents and tickets for traveling, from that point onward, compared to having to the ” turn every penny twice” lifestyle I’d known practically all my life was a welcome change. You see it had the makings of a trap. I was ready to be trapped. maybe I even willingly closed my eyes and wanted so very much to believe the responsibility for my life could be borne by someone else.
In general, “A” did me a great favor, 5 years of learning much about life. About finances and how not to do things and at the same time he fostered this woman’s working abilities and my work ethic. It wasn’t all bleak but as the years grew, the smaller the funnel got and how less happy I became.
Not having the money or actually not knowing if we could provide for ourselves, his family (more than some 200 odd members all living in India) the business travels, the running operation of yet another company to make the success he believed he could be in the shipping world. It all drained me from energy and the worries started to reign over everything. I had no more energy to be my intuitive self but I had to take care of my firstborn and myself and needed to cut myself loose to be able to hear my own heart again and my inner voice and even my thinking was clouded by his voice.
So when presented with the chance I jumped the gun and left with my son to go and live with my mum in the Netherlands.
The years that followed I lived in fear of him coming to get his son and punishing me for my disloyal ways. He never did but as time passed and we had to reconnect for the sake of our child – 5 years of no contact passed – I finally learned to lay down the rules with him and let my own needs and those of our child be his first and foremost priority as I stipulated how and where and what he could do when visiting his son.
Years later His son kind of became my guardian as he clearly told his father he would break all contact if he didn’t stop complaining about his mum, him being a Buddhist or the fact that he already called another man dad since he became 3. “A” took his son’s words on this serious and when I heard him say it on the phone to his dad I had tears in my eyes. My first born had done what I couldn’t do for myself, stand up for me, in front of “A” . The circle was round and some deeper healing had begun.
The Story of “A” in a nutshell at this moment I don’t want to give him more space on this blog and I have to feel and think what writings about him are worth being finalized, scrapped, published, etc.
My self-worth and standing up for myself are issues which he laid bare to me very much. In that light, it is maybe worthwhile to elaborate more. Describing a situation and looking at why I let things happen, what needs more he fulfilled more than the promise of an easy life in luxury with enough money. Which was soon gone after I met him. So why di I stay and what does it say about me. Interesting to explore more.
One thing I can take away from it is that I am a very loyal person – even though I left – and till this day I can reconnect with “A” over work, humor, our child and feel a warm feeling for him when time shared in the present. Even his thinking distortions (as perceived by me) bring a compassionate smile to my face. Seeing for what he is, ambitious and stubborn to a fault. A man with great hunger and even bigger dreams, however, slowed down by his heart disease gotten a few years ago.
In many ways, I even feel I left him broken and confused and wondering what had happened but never asking himself the question why. Even when later we both did manage to touch upon the subject of me leaving him. He didn’t understand my reasons at all, unwilling to see it from my point of the heart, a scared and burned out 25 years old who needed stability for herself and her son. Needing not to drown and she clung to a piece of driftwood until she found a boat that brought her to safer shores.
by the time I left him, I was still only 25 and still not grown up and at the same time, my inner light had dimmed tremendously. Not to say, almost all of it was gone
Maybe if our life together had been financially more stable I could have stayed and be the supporting loving wife I can be and he needed so much .. but rivers dry up waiting for “What if”.
20 years later I am happy we have a functional connection over a grownup son we both aren’t that responsible for anymore and who is accountable for his own life and doing great.
“A” I wish you all the best and pray you to stay healthy and have the opportunity to fulfill your wishes for the benefit of your mum, family and children.
Enjoy a great weekend
Love – Radia “The Unusual Yogini”
PS: How do past relationships affect you? especially the bad ones. How do you see your part and what have you taken away from it in a positive sense? let me know.