SO here the juicy bits; BOYFRIENDS!!
I had many flighty and serious and fun and needy and tough and shy flings and I don’t know what, but I went through all stages and all types. I can say I was a “forever in love” kind of girl during my early childhood, pre-teens and teenage years, but I grew up fast and slowly transformed from always in love (from a distance) to a “sex doesn’t need everlasting love kind of approach” and really enjoyed a rather promiscuous life style in the first few years in India, even if discretely so.
It started with Clay, I met him in the Netherlands at a party. He was a friend of a brother of a friend of mine who was a squatter in a huge canal house in Amsterdam (student legal squatting to prevent illegal squatters). I just turned 17 and He was 10 years older. We had a difficult kind of relationship and my wildly romantic ideas were still intact when I met him. That, matched with my blooming sexuality made me a force (with a huge blindspot) to reckon with. Anyhow he destroyed many of my romantic and sexual ideas, not to their core but he wouldn’t and couldn’t live up to my ideas and expectations. Spiritually I feel we were each others much needed catalyst at that point in live, which was as true for him as it was for me.
Then when I arrived in India, and you must remember I just turned 18 and gave up with much unhappiness my relationship with Clay, I noticed that the reactions to my body and being were entirely different than I was accustomed to in the west. I partially attribute my present freedom in body and being to this time in Asia were men were drawn to me easily both sexually but also friendship wise and where my body was never the “negative” issue.
So for a while I was promiscuous and slept around and enjoyed life with many, many, many, boys/men. I enjoyed being around them, the intimacy, the humor the Tibetans have and their no nonsense approach to sex. Tibetans are generous lovers and don’t have many inhibitions. They are still firmly rooted in their manliness, which is not a physical thing; they are simply proud and self-confident men. The issues, I had with me being this shy, chubby, not a classical beauty melted like snow for the sun and resulted in a flood of being un-inhibited and a rather full scheduled love life. It’s not that I lost all sense of shyness or being awkward with my rather large body compared to the elegance most Asians & Tibetans have but it helped me greatly to overcome my sense of awkwardness with regard to my own sexuality. They matched my appetite and stamina and truly I couldn’t get enough of their physical freedom.
One person in particulars springs to mind before I got a more long (2 years) and strong (thinking about marriage) relationship with a tibetan man.
So I met K when I was 18 in the winter of 1992 when almost a year had passed in living there. I met him in a friends shop in Dharamsala. He was visiting from Delhi where he just started studying at the university, a bit older than me and dashingly handsome in my eyes. I can’t put my finger on what it was that made him so attractive but he seemed open and respectful to all, seemed to love the world and all in it, seemed to see the beauty off all things and had a soft and warm voice that could melt anyone. His eyes smiled all the time and he looked very young and child like in an attractive kind of way, presumably because he was so open and free minded. He was physically handsome, seemed a bit naughty and I just couldn’t help myself. I believe when we met that day, I couldn’t speak much for fear of stammering or anything else revealing my surfacing, strong, desire to be touched by and to be made love to, by this man. Though it was obvious to my shopkeeper friend T, I can see that now, So actually I was just trying to fool myself.
To give you an idea about my relations ship with my good friend T (the shopkeeper). I frequently visited his shop for a chat and a cup of tea. after having attended morning classes at the library. T always used to tease me a lot with my internal contradictions of what I was and how I wanted to be (seen). To elaborate, in one hand I was highly conservative and traditional and in the other hand I was very free and oozed sexuality which some men saw straight away by looking at me I guess. It wa like they could smell it or feel my sexual energy. I could withstand almost all the advances with a strong mind and also as I wasn’t interested to get just romantically involved but I wanted the whole story, good looks, physical stamina, passion, well versed in the love arts, respect, romance, commitment, a stable life love, a spiritually evolved person, a sincere practitioner of the Mahayana Buddhist school and total devotion to me and of course all these qualities needed to be represented in one person. I guess I had very pre-set ideas and a very conditioned mind certainly at that time. So in the society I lived in I was considered quite a tease as they could read something different of my face and my body language at times but I resisted it mostly therefore giving off very mixed signals.
My shopkeeper friend “T” was older, wiser and in general very honest with himself. He was quite direct with me too and I liked it but it also frightened me at the same time. He used to ask me very confronting questions which I couldn’t really answer as they revealed these contradictions too much to him/me, he used to lecture me about me, and I didn’t want hear it. T told me more than once that I was an extreme good person with a high energy to boot, that I had nothing to be afraid of and these traditional values I adhered to so much and conservatism was just a façade, a shell to keep my deeper nature and purpose repressed. He was right, but I wasn’t ready to understand. Anyhow Ta did it in the gentlest way and often, by teasing me, or when amongst our group of friends publicly asking questions he knew I couldn’t answer making me shy and blushful. Anyway I guess it amused him greatly to see me in this way, and that day when meeting his friend K in his shop, right in front of his eyes he felt no different. T clearly enjoyed what he saw happening and I hated it as I knew he could read of my face what I didn’t even want to acknowledge to myself. So these men were talking while I was trying to enjoy my tea, I really don’t remember what was said, if they talked about me or to me. I just had “getting out of the shop” on my mind only so I said goodbye and left quickly.
Later that day T visited me in my room with his girlfriend a beautiful Tibetan girl from Tibet which could sing very well. He asked me if I would come and have a drink in the Malabar hotel that night – he always asked me every Friday or Saturday if I would join our group of friends and go for a drink. You would think that I wouldn’t need an invitation anymore but I guess my room was a good get away for T and whichever girlfriend he presently had which he felt he couldn’t introduce to his family as I guess she was just pastime.
We usually were with a group of almost 8, rarely any girls were part of the group, and not always the same persons although some were never absent. Sometimes friends, visiting from far of places, joined us and all these evenings were always filled with joy, laughter, tears and lots of alcohol to boot. We sang Tibetan drinking songs and frequented the Hotel Tibet in the center of Upper Mcleod Ganj mostly. We almost always overstayed our welcome and stayed till we were thrown out and occasionally we ventured out to other places as was the case for that night.
I don’t remember whether I feared or wished for my new acquaintance coming along too,probably both, to the hotel and as a result I don’t remember if I did bother to look more pretty or changed clothes or was more calculated, about what I wanted to happen. I also don’t remember if I could or couldn’t eat in anticipation of the prospect of seeing K again, what I eventually wore and how I felt. I just know that once I got round to the hotel and stepped into the bar looking at the lounge corner our group occupied I stood there gasping for breath being unable to move, at first my heart stood still and then it started pounding so hard the others most have heard it as they all looked up and waved me to join them. T got up straight away and came to greet me and took my by the arm placing me next to himself in the circle of couches but right opposite of, of course … K.
The next few hours I tried hard not to look at him, but he made several general statements ending sometimes by saying “isn’t it Radia?” letting me know he had me on his mind and inwardly I cursed him and at the same I found myself pleased him seeking my attention. The evening was enjoyable and as we drank more the conversation decentralised and got more and more divided into smaller groups or couples. Sometimes groups changed because one had to go visit the toilet and another took the change to talk with someone else. When that happened every time I somehow found that there were less and less people sitting between him and me. And as you guessed rightfully by the end of the evening K and me were sitting next to one another talking over cultural difference and commonalities. The whole time sitting in his close proximity I felt hot and flustered and simply couldn’t withstand to look at him. My cheeks felt hot and must have looked like red flushed…of course I blamed the alchohol, but honestly I never drank that little as i did that night ever before or ever after when hanging with the guys on the weekends. But in the back of my mind I knew what was going to happen as K devoured me with his eyes. There was no mistaken his intentions and I wanted to be present during any and all of it.
At the end of the night all the guys were quite drunk but K and I weren’t (he never drank much as he always got too sick so he mostly abstained and drank a quiet beer once in a while). The Hotel management asked us to leave as they were really, really closing and so we got up and left. When we stepped outside it was snowing…it was the magical forst snow of the year and the moon was shining bright and big as well. We all could see each-others faces quite well. I remember I stood there holding my breath at this quite magical moment and the group somehow all felt quite still.
So K took the lead, though he was younger the gang all looked up to him much and at the same time groused him like a younger brother, and started walking down towards the crossing from where you could go down to my house or from where you could go up toward Mcleod Ganj. Everybody followed just a few steps behind him, a murmur started to come back to the group but they weren’t the boasty loud gang of before as if they all wanted to witness the moment…
K kept on walking and talking until he almost was at the crossing and than asked the group who would bring me home? At that they momentarily became a lively, loud, laughing bunch. Telling him I was one of the guys and they never brought me home – them all living up in Mcleod Gangj and as far as they were concerned I lived too far down below. For drunk people indeed not an easy feet to climb back up again as I lived down Jogiwara road, past the post office and round the bend from the Chocolate Log on the same road as the nunnery.
(see number 3 on the map)
He stood just before the crossing turned towards us back to the crossing looked me in the eyes and said to them, Ok but I’ll bring her, he extended me his hand, which i hesitantly gave him and T pushed me up front. The rest of the group whistled loudly as if coming from one person and said they all knew he had no gentlemanly intentions and the saw right trough him..At that point I shivered as i also knew that if I allowed him to bring me home, all resistance on my part would be futile. if i said yes now i said yes to all that was coming after this. His eyes stil on mine he questingly looked at me. The group had already started upward on the crossing and we stood there both our arms stretched holding hands looking at each other. I believe TP at that point called K one last time in tibetan and also said to leave me alone as I wasn’t for him. At that point I started my descend on the road without letting his hand go. He followed until we couldn’t hear and see the group no more.
He stood still and pulled me in, put his hands on my face looked me deep in the eyes and kissed me very , very, very softly, feathery like. It was too much to bare and with a broken voice full of emotion and desire promised me if we continued down this road and let him stay (body, mind & speech) I would never regret it…
K was all the things I wanted in a man except for the fact that he wouldn’t and couldn’t stay. Never gave me his address or contact details and after that one week I only heard of him. I never met him again until much much later when I was in a Crisis of some sort and he again pointed me toward the right direction in the gentlest of ways. I believe he is a wordly Daka (male form of Dakini) and I was indeed very lucky to have had him in my life at the right point in time with exactly the right kind of medicine.
Of course you want to read more now… And of course I have more to write on the week we spend together, but for now i’ll leave you hanging there…. K was just one of many boyfriends but very significantly on how he made me feel and much of that one week I spent with him is the basis of how I now feel about my body and my sexuality. I know what’s in there thanks to him and the joy of knowing has always given me much strength and the courage to be me.
Tell me if you enjoyed it!
Much Love, Radia- The Unusual Yogini