Maybe with my last post I have given the impression I’m not doing well… Well that’s true in some ways, but it is also far from the ruth in other ways and I want to rectify that impression. I’m doing as expected I guess. My yogi’s task right now I feel, is staying with it…not making it more or making it less, but staying with it. Not downplaying my idea of the feelings though sometimes they might feel difficult, heavy and never-ceasing. I’m simply not trying to add to them but also not trying to run away from them. It’s somehow more than facing them…more than feeding and facing the emotions to quickly exhaust themselves.
I am watching them arise, be, and decline in their more natural state. I understand It might make me seem very introspective and a little sad. Some struggle is certainly there. Some experience of loss of space is there too, but I feel and believe it is necessary at this point in time. No “QUICK FIXES” this time around. It is something that I let happen too, not at first.. at first it somehow overthrows my stronghold but then I catch up and lower my inner drawbridge to let truth wreak havoc inside me. Still follow??
I experienced something similar in 2010 when I went to Tibet (for the first time this lifetime 😉 ) and the experience extended into months after the trip. I experienced something similar on one of my annual trips to Nepal, where my focus is the practice of service and devotion and where a very strange incident forced me either into madness or into some sort of liberation … As I’m only half as mad as I seem it might follow logic it did something for my internal liberation or rather I had a glimpse at truth. Like a divine incentive to keep me going on my path…the third instance was when His Holiness Kyabje Trijang Chocktrul Rinpochev visited the centre of my teacher in Italy and gave us some teachings and initiations, I felt it profoundly then, and it went on (decreasing in severity daily) until half a year after his visit that I felt somewhat my old self again….
So what is “that”, it may at best be described as an unsettling of the mind’s truths. (Something I thinks is the truth).. things it thought it knew where sure cease to be clear and sure. They rearrange themselves again with sureness after the period passes but never again I becomes the hard felt certainty like before. A new, not lesser, truth can be experienced if only for a short while before the drawbridge draws up again…(yes unfortunately it does draw up again)
So, as you can see, whereas in some areas I can’t seem to get ahead of the game it is not a regular depression..I feel it a little death of the ego or a part thereof. My spiritual path might be slow – not might be… IT IS – but I feel it is surely too. Ten years ago I couldn’t have said that with much conviction but now I can see it’s a steady development. Truly I have my Guru, the lineage and their blessings to thank for, although sometimes my ego is very convinced it’s progress is merited all on its own, defiant even that it can do it all by itself but I know that’s not the case at all and so again some little ego finds it way out yet again (at least for a while).
I want to conclude with the fact that I have gotten a lot of wonderful replies and advice from everybody for which I thank everyone wholeheartedly …. I do take it to heart and though I know the remedies myself well, I seem to forget at times when to apply them, but your words have helped me see more clearly; the time to act is NOW!. Where I am highly critical of myself, you have shown acceptance – JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED -… it has helped me to set of that part of myself that allows self acceptance. So a thank you is in Order…… Thank you very much!