A new story of my previous life on India on a theme I have remarked on before in my blogs “Bad boys and boys you know are not good for you”. They definitely had their place in my life. It’s not that it was all bad and they are bad but somehow I allowed them to damage me or I let loose on my self-care. There were also some that were not bad in itself, they were maybe fun but not sustainable as a relationship.
I wish I would have had the sense to just enjoy the sex which was mostly in abundance with these guys, but some made me want to cling to who I became with them and they weren’t the type to let me cling, or misused my clinging for more fulfillment of their own needs. Whichever way, I learned a lot about my two-sided nature. My giving mixed signals and opposing wishes. Being versus wanting to be. I maybe didn’t want it, but I needed these experiences and guys too. This way of being with men was as much a part of me as being the one who dispensed the clingy ones and the emerging woman who was as traditional as she was unconventional at the core.
Here are some of their stories & A warning – because it’s a long read!!;
There was DT (Tibetan in Dharamsala), he really didn’t look for anything much but just a booty call and I pretended he was a boyfriend. He didn’t have a job, was always on the lookout for the next best thing and generally squandered his life away on pot, alcohol, movies, and music. He loved dancing too and on one of my party hangout nights I met him. I guess he loved my free and seductive dancing. Like I told you before I was always giving off mixed signals. But somehow I loved his free nature, his sparkling eyes and lanky body so I took him home with me.
We became a habit for a while and I thought we were a thing. To him, I guess it was nothing more than company, sex, a laugh, a drink and no commitment, no appointments, no nagging. So my idea that it was “something” or “could be something” was clearly delusional. I knew that quite quickly, it took me a couple of months, and the embarrassment I felt was great. At the same time, I forgot and forgive myself quickly as well and left Dharamsala for a while in the winter whereby I was sure things would be forgotten on my return. It Ended – I actually decided I had enough of my delusions when I got the crabs from him. I died of more embarrassment and decided it really, really, really wasn’t worth the heartbreak either. So I became a brave girl and never invited him again and he somehow also never tried again. I guess he knew enough was enough.
There was JD (Tibetan in Dharamsala), I don’t remember how we met, but I totally was a sucker for his looks. He only wanted to maybe try with an “ingie” – western girl – and so he tried and I let him. I wanted more and maybe I became clingy because he wouldn’t give me more and no compromise was possible. He treated me in accordance with my neediness and held me at bay for meeting outside in public etc. The sex was good, but that’s all it should have stayed and all I should have wanted. I tried for the life of me to squeeze more out of it, a relationship preferably, but that really wasn’t happening. He wanted to meet but only secretly and never in the open as a couple (which we, of course, weren’t). He always said, we can have a good time for a really long time just no one has to know., which was in total discordance with my ideas of wanting to shout it out from the rooftop and I could not keep it a secret as he needed me to.
He once told me that in the beginning, I was quite attractive because of my wit and intelligence, but me wanting to be traditional and not so western like, more Tibetan styled, I lost all appeal to him. He was brutally honest with me, and kind of warning me about my behavior towards him. Like he said, we could have a really nice time but that I spoiled it with my unrealistic ideas. Not seeing what it was, for what it was, I vehemently denied and tried and wiggled ending in much heartbreak from my side and JD avoiding me at all costs once he ended it onesided.
Except on Friday night when we all belonged to the same group of drinking buddies and somehow on these nights nothing seemed to bother me about us, or previous filings and flings to be and we seemed normal friends and I never held it against him on those nights surrounded by all our friends. Probably I also already had the next guy in mind or maybe the next guy had me in mind.
JD if you read this – we still have some contact over social media – I totally understand. No hard feelings.
There was T (Tibetan in Dharamsala), this is where I was the bad one and he was clearly more into me and wanted to be my boyfriend but somehow I really used him for the sex and some time pass. He was more into me than I was into him. he was a thangka painter and he was known for his wild antics which others said came from him being an artist. I was embarrassed and wanted to hide that we somehow hung out and had sex. But somehow my friends all found out as T was a blabbermouth and very much wanted to show off that he was with me. So you see, I made some karma to receive the treatment like this as well from others as I also did it to someone. I actually can’t remember much more than this. Not even the sex I remember, such a shame. But I guess from time to time not being alone was more important than the boy at hand, I must admit in retrospect.
There was the astrologer (Tibetan in Dharamsala). He was A nice guy, and he played along with all my playing house but in the end, couldn’t because of family and wanted to leave the country with me and I wanted to stay in India. So it was opposing ideas that drove us apart. We from the very beginning were a tired couple and it only lasted a few months. It was a relief to break up but I mourned anyhow for the loss of the household feeling and who I played in that relationship was very much the person I wanted to be but couldn’t sustain.
There was K “the god “(Tibetan in Dharamsala). For a while, I worked at “Friends Corner”, a restaurant on the main square in Mcleod Ganj next to Mcllo restaurant. I worked there for a while most evenings at closing time, together with a guy called K. He was tall and muscular, but not bulky, and totally my type. He was a good friend of some western friends of mine and was all alone by himself in Dharamsala, so no family ties to bother us.
We flirted for some months before anything happened. Our routine was: Serving the last customers, always drank a beer after cleaning up the restaurant with the owners and they always made him bring me home from the center to my far-off home in the woods. He always obliged.I always invited him in for a drink. He always declined by joking “next you’ll offer your body to me”.
One evening however I had I left before he could drop me off and he must have run to catch up with me as he arrived by my side, halfway my walk, panting and heaving. After he recovered his breath we walked and talked and bantered like usual. Arriving at my house I went alone down the path toward my house and instead of inviting him in like I always did, I just turned toward him and waved and said my goodbyes.
The next thing I knew, that he stood in front of me and without a question asked started kissing me demandingly. Underneath his breath, he swore at himself rather dramatically and said he had promised himself that it wouldn’t ever come to this ever. He then proceeded by asking me whether I minded and I remember it made me laugh out loud. Whereupon I resolutely took his hand in mine and pulled him along the path to my front door kind of hurriedly not to break the magic of the moment and lose out on being with him. I kissed him again under the moonlight on that spring night and asked if he wanted a drink? He looked at me with feigned surprise and said; “to hell with it”, and pushed us through the door and we made very stormy love.
He was a god to sleep with. I remember his long and muscular limbs under my body and on top of mine. His heaving and cursing. He somehow from this quiet but flirtatious guy became this dramatic and strong lover. He always made me laugh and gasp at the same time and amazed me by his athletic lovemaking skills and strength. He surprised me by inviting me on top of him as he liked to feel the pressure which was extremely pleasurable and delightful he said. I trusted his every word when it came to us making love.
It was something that we both kept a secret for all. It wasn’t serious or didn’t have a future but it was very serious to us. He didn’t always come over to my house but he always surprised me when he did decide to come home with me after work. He always left before dawn, so after our passionate lovemaking, we never slept together. Mostly he just kissed me passionately afterward, then thanked me, then left, the night over and done with.
That mostly amused me and once it stopped amusing me, he and I stopped getting together. No hard feelings, no questions asked. In the restaurant we both kept working and kept being flirtatious and for form, we left together he never offered to bring me home ever again and I never asked him anymore to do so.
I once, whilst drinking our one beer after working hours in the restaurant, mentioned another guy in front of him after we stopped sleeping with one another. His look, however, made it clear to me he didn’t appreciate knowing. I found that quite quaint as he also didn’t want to claim me as his own and I couldn’t help myself and asked him about it. He only mentioned that we had opposing paths in life and though he would have liked to walk the same path it’s better to have had what we had than to try miserably and fail and be unhappy in the future.
Somehow to me that was a satisfying answer, like he wanted me but understood nothing stable for the future would come of it and therefore he had forsaken what we had. But that also explained why he didn’t want to be confronted with new lovers or interests.
After I left Dharamsala, I never met him again. Someone once mentioned he got married to a Canadian/Tibetan and left for Canada. So who knows… But he is very good memories and a smile on my face whenever I do remember. K was one of the ones that totally struck my more unconventional chord and I was more natural and free in my behavior and speech etc. I didn’t feel the need much to play or act traditionally. Why? I actually don’t know and It makes no more sense looking at the person I am today to go and figure it out what happened so long ago. Then again it just might be interesting and I might revisit this topic “traditional vs unconventional” in later blogs.
Where there others? Maybe there were some but not mention worthy and of course, there was L, but the story of how we came to be I have told you already. Next blog, in two weeks, I’ll write you more about his story and our two-year relationship, as it gives me time to write about it in more detail.
So you now have an idea what to look forward to.
To conclude, on the many guys that I had been with, My friends in Dharamsala asked me many a time if I couldn’t be alone that I made such bad choices sometimes. And honestly speaking now, yes I think being alone was an issue and something I hadn’t learned until that point in time, maybe still haven’t. At the same time the appeal that guys liked me for me, didn’t bother about my body through more plump than the average girl was a thing I just needed to explore. No excuses there but really it was all too good not to try. On the topics presented here, “use and be used?” Experience some forms of love as well? Tell me who would blame me? Is it all making sense now I’m looking back? I have no clue yet, but it is what it is.
In general, I think I should have waited, as some great relationship opportunities were lost in the meantime but I’m not the one for regret especially since my life turned out to be pretty great. Boring at times, yes, but that’s the nature of the human mind who needs something new and exciting every 5 minutes and that is something I as a Buddhist have to keep in mind that my ego plays tricks on me.
It’s always trying to lure us in unknown adventures of which we really deep down know of that it is not going to work out or be good for us. But hey it tried…and if we are not watchful we might run along forever or for a while before we shake loose hoping we didn’t damage anything really meaningful to us.
Hope you enjoyed the read.
Let me know what you think and/or share you’re own promiscuous or unhealthy previous or present life stories with us. Really nothing seems strange to me, I’ve experienced and seen a lot, so I’m looking forward to your comments and stories as well.
Much love and story tell courage, Radia – The Unusual Yogini